13 years (and 1 day) without Pa

 So, yesterday was the 13th Anniversary of my grandfather's passing. 

February just really sucks.  

My grandpa was in the nursing home for a while before he passed. He had Alzheimer's and mobility issues, and my grandma couldn't safely move him around anymore. He had a hard time in there; a few times he tried to escape. Or he would call my grandma in tears because he was ready to come home. He didn't understand that he lived in the home. 

It was hard seeing him that way. My grandpa was the man who taught me how to play poker and cribbage and how to gamble...although that was mostly done with toothpicks. He also was VERY good at mental math and would also give me a hard time because I was not. 

I am still not. I have no doubt any time I count on my fingers or use a calculator, he groans in Heaven. LOL. 

He also took us fishing, and while I enjoyed doing it with him, fishing was more my sister's thing than mine. 

He liked to tell jokes. A favorite that I remember was "put your finger to your forehead and give me the abbreviation for mountain." In all seriousness, that is the reason I know the abbreviation for mountain. 

He was a bartender earlier in this life, after serving in the military, and I was always amazed that he would get up at like 4/430am eat breakfast, have some coffee, and do a shot. Then go back to bed for a couple hours. He let us kids take sips of beer and wine and made us Shirley Temple's. 

Pa (what I called him) passed away  4 months and 11 days before my wedding. It is so odd how things play out really. Originally, my grandma wasn't going to be able to come to my wedding because of my grandpa being in the home. (They lived in Northern Minnesota) so the plan for our honeymoon was going to be that we would travel up there. When Pa passed, suddenly, now, my grandma could come to the wedding. So, that was a blessing in the storm. 

Clearly, Pa never met Kolby. However, there are times that I wonder if their spirits didn't meet before Kolby was Earth-side. There are just things that make that seem true. One of the biggest things is Kolby's taste in music. He like old music. Like the stuff Pa used to listen to, and even older. 

I still miss Pa everyday, and there are days it hits me harder. Obviously, the loss is not as fresh as with Dee-Dee's but I don't think it will ever be gone. And that is ok, because I don't want to become so comfortable with the loss that I forget him. Just comfortable enough to not be overwhelmed by grief. 

Seeing as this is the second blog about death and grief in a short time period I have no questions this time. Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!

The Voice Season 27 Episode 2 (thoughts and spoilers)

 I finally watched the second episode. I generally watch television while doing other things. Like writing, making my planner pages, planning and prepping school. However, since I am blogging about this show I have to pay attention fully, and making time to do that is harder than I thought it would be. And that is partly because I don't do just sitting and watching very well. I have to be doing something at the same time. 

I am not good at relaxing. What can I say? 

Anyways back to episode 2. Still in the blind auditions.  First up was a young lady named Tatum Scott. She sang a song called "Vampire" and her voice did not match her look. She got a two chair turn and joined Team Kelsea. 

Second on the agenda was a young man named Bryson Battle. He sang a song entitled "A Song For You" and my first thought was "hot damn!" Immediately, from jump, he had 2 chairs turn, and ultimately ended up with a 4 chair turn!!! He chose to join Team Legend.

Next was Jordan Allen, singing "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll". He is a definite country singer who got a 2 chair turn and joined Team Legend. 

Hayden Grove was a very interesting try out. This young man actually has Michael as a follower on Tik Tok and does duet videos with him. For his try out he sang "Mack the Knife" and I loved it. What was wild is that Adam was the only one who turned for him. Legend and Kelsea were waiting for Michael to react and so Hayden ended up on Team Adam, although, Michael said that he would help Adam if he needed any. Also, Michael and Hayden sang together some.

The next young lady, Susan Hickman, sang "It Must Have Been Love" and she definitely reminded me of an 80's singer. Unfortunately, no chairs turned for her. 

The next auditioner was Jaelen Johnston singing "Where the Wild Things Are". My immediate thoughts on hearing this audition was  Yes Sir!! His voice is Fantastic!! Three chairs turned for him and he joined Team Kelsea. 

Next was Ricardo Moreno singing "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" and he sang some in Spanish. My thoughts were Get it boy! I thought he was wonderful. No chairs turned for him. When the judges were talking to him, Michael was really beating himself over not turning, and ended up using his coach replay and thus got Ricardo on Team Michael. 

After that was a young lady named Ari Camille. She sang "I Wanna Be Down" and she sounded like she should already have an album and a record deal. Ms. Camille got a 2 chair turn, and even though Michael offered to tattoo her name on his arm with his kids, Ari chose to join Team Legend. 

Next up was Braxton Garza whose smooth voice while singing "Pretty Little Poison" was good enough for a 2 chair turn. Braxton chose to join team Michael. 

The second to last try out for the episode was from a woman named Carmela. She sang "Like a Stone" and her voice had a rough sound to it. Unfortunately, no one turned their chair for her. 

The final blind audition of the episode was from Britton Moore singing "Yellow". I found his audition nice, and in all honesty I got wrapped up in watching his audition that I forgot to really note my first reactions. However, I do guess that shows just how good of an audition it was. Britton got a four chair turn and chose Team Adam. 

The individuals from today's episode that I am keeping my eye on are Bryson Battle and Hayden Grove. 

Are you watching The Voice? If so, what are your thoughts? I add the songs that they sing on the show into my playlist if I like them, as a way to expand my musical knowledge. I also add songs from television shows if I really like them in the show. That's one way I came across a band that has become one of my favorites. Do you do that?  What is your favorite song? If you were going to go do a blind audition on The Voice, what song would you sing? Join in the conversation in the comments below and let me know!!

I have some homeschool stuff, some writing, and some other random activities to finish up before the end of the day, so until next time...Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!

One Year Without Dee-Dee

 A year ago today my grandma started her next journey. 

We had known it was coming; she had been sick for many months. Years really. But it didn't really lessen the blow of the news at all. 

She was my mom's mom. When I was younger I nicknamed her Dee-Dee, and the name stuck. I went thru a period of time as a teenager where I was embarrassed of the name I gave her. However, I outgrew that. I even have her handwriting as a tattoo with her signing it as Dee-Dee. 

She was the only grandmother I had known. My dad grew up in England, and his mom lived there and passed around the time I was 4ish (I believe), so I never met her.  

Dee-Dee, on the other hand, I grew up with lots of interaction with as a younger kid, and then elementary school upward, we would go spend two weeks with my grandparents every summer. I have so many wonderful memories with them. 

My grandpa (whom I nicknamed Pa), passed away 2/25/2012 (Months before my wedding). As an adult I had only been up to visit her once, when Kolby was six-months old. She got to meet Kolby, and then got to see him in person when he was 2ish when my little brother graduated High School. I have a picture of the first time Dee-Dee saw Kolby and the look on both of their faces makes the photo a priceless picture.

I kinda always thought Dee-Dee was living on borrowed time, honestly. My freshman year of college I was told that she had been diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery. Two years later she almost died when the stitches came loose/undone/who knows...and she started bleeding internally. At the time I was in Florida with my boyfriend and had to drive straight through to Indiana and then my dad drove me up to Minnesota. (Dee-Dee lived in Nashwauk, Minnesota...go ahead and google that. It is a tiny town way up North. It is a 14-16 hour drive from Indianapolis to  Nashwauk.) 

During that visit, my brother was young so I spent a lot of time outside of the hospital to entertain him. But I was happy to do so, because facing the reality that she could be dying was not something I could do. Thankfully, she pulled through. 

But, that is what I mean, by living on borrowed time. 

Dee-Dee was 98 when she passed. I believe she had been ready to go for a while. And that belief helps some. I mean, really, the sadness I have isn't for her. I know she is happy and at peace. The sadness is selfish. I am sad for me, my mom, my siblings, our family. I'm sad for Kolby. Although, months before her passing we did a video call and he got to read to her. And one of the last pieces of mail she got, was a valentine that he made for her. 

I have huge issues with death and grief, and I kinda talk about that in my book, but I was terrified of this happening. I didn't think I would know how to navigate it. Especially since 4 months before I held Trouble as he died and we were still healing from that. 

I did have a couple of really rough days, but it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I found comfort in sharing memories, in planning being able to go to the service. Then I started to see cardinals every time I got really sad. I looked it up and it is believed that it could be loved ones coming back. The cardinals would sit outside my window until I was calm and then fly away. 

Grief is a funny thing. You can be okay for so long, and suddenly a smell ignites a memory or out of the blue sadness hits you. I have leaned into feeling the feelings, instead of hiding them or ignoring them, if I am sad I will cry. It is cathartic, but also, if you just cry, it usually passes quicker than trying to deny that your body, heart, and soul wants to cry. 

On this year anniversary, I felt a little bad because I am still riding the high of my book publishing. I always thought I would be massive depressed on this day, so not feeling that way felt wrong. However, I don't think Dee-Dee would care. In fact I can picture the face she used to make when she would hear something absolutely ridiculous, and I can see her saying "why would you think I would want you to sit around and just be sad?" 

One way that I believe in keeping someone's memory alive is by talking about them; sharing their stories. All of them, the good, the bad, the ugly and the hilarious. I talk about her, and Pa all the time. So, she may be gone, but she will NEVER be forgotten. 

Being Sick As An Adult

 I was a bit under the weather last week and it got me thinking about how much easier being sick as a kid was.

Like first off: just being sick was easier-like the timeframe seemed shorter. I have seen this first hand in my parenthood journey. When Kolby was in public school he caught the flu, and of course shared it with me. We were both down for the count the day I picked him up from school early and the next day. The day after that he was bouncing off the wall, whereas I still could barely move. I was actually down and out for almost a week, and it took a month to get any amount of energy back. 

Not to mention, as a kid I would get the stomach flu and bounce back like within a day or just two days. Now, as an adult, I get it and I am sick for almost a whole week. Then it takes almost another week for me to get back to normal. And I am not the only one with this experience.  What is up with that? Why? And also...How Rude!

Also...like as a kid all you have to be concerned with is resting and getting better. But as an adult, especially as a mom, resting and getting better is almost a back burner concept. 

Granted, it does depend on how ill you are. However, most sick days mom's still have to feed others, make sure children stay alive, dishes, laundry, and in my case, homeschool. So focusing on getting well is just a nice thought. 

Plus as an adult I can google my symptoms and be told I am dying...which is totally fantastic if you are someone like me with anxiety. So that does not help relaxing, resting, and focusing on getting better. 

At least my kid is self-sufficient. He can get his own food, feed himself, go to the bathroom and entertain himself. I remember when he was a baby and toddler trying to do all the things while feeling like crap. It was so damn hard. 

Winter months are hardest-at least in our house-for me. Especially because my sinuses seem to be doing crazy ass things. 

Also, it feels like, for me personally, I just get so far behind on my to-do list needs from being sick.  Like how does one day of doing nothing or next to nothing, really translate into massively behind? Like math and mom math are clearly two different things. Which really sucks because I am not good at math. Any math. 

I need all the tips to never ever get sick. Like ever again. How do you navigate being sick in general, and then as a parent? How do you not "fall behind"? What do you do to keep yourself from allowing google to always convince you, your symptoms mean you are dying? Join in the conversation in the comments below and let me know!!

Well, gotta go and try to catch up on all the stuff being under the weather one day last week caused me to fall  behind on, so until next time: Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!

Homelessness

 Last week I came across a post on Facebook that a local news site had posted that really pissed me off. 

It was about how the state or just Indianapolis, was trying to pass a law to make it illegal for people to sleep on the ground. How this would be "better" for those homeless individuals. 

Such a crock of shit. 

How in the world is putting people in jail for finding some place to sleep going to help them? What this really means is that it is better for the city/state. This is an image issue. Or a control issue. But it certainly has nothing to do with helping individuals who are homeless. 

Here is the honest truth: Most of us are one bad event, one traumatic experience, away from homelessness. It is not an "other person issue", it is an every person issue. I remember being younger and people saying that it was just drug addicts that were homeless. And yes, some of those homeless individuals do have drug problems. But why is that used as a justification? Like, so they have a struggle, so does everyone, but because their struggle is with drugs, that somehow makes them less deserving of shelter? The logic doesn't make sense to me. 

Another point that is often brought up in a discussion on homelessness is shelters. Yes, there are shelters. But no where near enough of them. Also, they are generally on a first come, first serve basis. Furthermore, they are most often set up as Women's shelters and Men's shelters. So families would be split up. Not to mention, after a certain age, male children would be split from their mothers, simply because they are considered a threat. Well, as a boy mom, I would pass up on the shelter to stay with my kid. Not to mention that shelters are not always safe places either. 

I think we need to do something better for people. Do I have all the answers? Not by far. I have ideas and thoughts. But I do know that we, as a society in general, need to do better for each other. We can't predicate what the future holds for ourselves or for anyone else. We don't know if an act of God will tear our world apart, or a sickness, or a layoff. 

What I do know is that if I find myself homeless, I would hope that there would be people put in my path that would show compassion, generosity, and love. Not punish me further for something that could literally happen to anyone. 

A childhood memory that has stuck with me since elementary school actually deals with homelessness. It was 5th grade and our choir was on a field trip somewhere in downtown Indianapolis. I am not sure if we were singing somewhere or if we were watching a performance. Anyway, as we got back on the bus there was a man that started digging through the trashcan and found a cheeseburger and started eating it. Most of the kids on the bus started laughing. I started crying. I didn't understand how kids could be so cruel to someone. 

Now, here I am, almost 43 years old, and I still do not understand how people could be so cruel. Unfortunately, the cruelty has just grown as I got older. 

What are your thoughts on how to help homelessness? Have you ever found yourself homeless? What would you do if, in fact, you did find yourself in that situation? Join in the conversation in the comments and let me know.

It's Sunday again, which means a writing day. About to file for copyright on the book so until next time: Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!!

Superbowl 2025

 It is Superbowl Sunday!!

Normally my only concern regarding this game is if I know who is performing for the half-time show. Let me tell you, some of the past years shows have been VERY GOOD!! But that was all that I was interested in. I didn't really like any of the teams in the game nor did I understand a damn thing about the sport.

This year is a bit different though. 

I am actually going to attempt to watch the game! 

Shocking, I know. 

My "baby" brother (he is close to 30, so I am not sure that classifying him as a baby brother is still valid, but I do it so...*shrug*), he is an assistant coach for a high school football team. Now, he has played football a good portion of his life, but I didn't understand anything when I would watch him play. Anyways, his high school made it to the state championship and I went to the game, back in November with my mom, and it all clicked. I understood what I was watching. 

Anyways, so I decided that I would give it a try this year and watch the "Big Game". I don't know anything about the two teams playing. Don't have any care associated with who might win. Just going to see how long it can keep me entertained. 

Plus, I have to see the halftime show. That is a must. 

The other "downfall" to watching the game is that I usually go to bed between 8pm and 9pm, because I value my sleep, but the game doesn't start until 6pm so...it will interfere with my sleep. But, if I make it until at least halftime I will be proud of myself. 

I think if I liked either of the teams it would be easier to watch. I dunno. I do think I will be rooting for the Eagles though simply because I feel that more people probably became Chiefs fans because Taylor Swift dates one of them. So, in a way, the Eagles feel like the underdogs. And I love cheering on the underdogs!!

Please note, if you read this and are a super Eagles fan do not take offense to my thinking of them as underdogs, it is strictly my opinion based on the fact that Swift is not dating anyone on that team. I know nothing about their ability apart from they have to be fairly great cause they did, in fact, make it to the Superbowl. 

Again, my "football knowledge" comes from what I learned just a few months ago. Before that I relied on my watching of Remember the Titans, and I mainly watched that because I liked the story and the actors, not because of the football. (Also, it is very hard to believe that Opie from Sons of Anarchy is one and the same as Gerry from Remember the Titans...Ryan Hurst...that man has talent!!)

Do you watch the Superbowl? If so, do you watch for the game, the halftime show or the ads? How long have you been a football fan and why?? Best piece of advice you have for someone like me, that is in their 40s and just now, kinda sorta getting their feet in the football pond?? Join in the conversation in the comments and let me know.

I have been working on the book today. I believe that I am close to being done and sending it in for a copyright!! That is both exciting and anxiety inducing. So, gonna get back to that...until next time: Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!

Homeschooling (Part 1)

I realized the other day at the eye doctor, that people say the same thing to me,  when they find out that I homeschool, that I used to say when I found out that other people homeschooled. "Oh, you are so much better than I am. I could never do that." 

Now, I find it hilarious, because the truth is, I can't imagine NOT homeschooling. 

I do think that we are kinda conditioned to believe that homeschooling is this impossibly large task that we are ill equipped to handle. Originally, I 100% believed that.

Life has a funny way of showing you that you are definitely able to do those hard things that you doubted you had skills for. 

Let's back up. Okay, so, Kolby was born on December 8, 2013. When he was 3ish we got a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder and he started in Occupational Therapy. At this point in time we had no idea what life would look like. I started worrying about having to homeschool. I immediately started to convince myself that I was not able to homeschool my son. 

When it was time to register for kindergarten I did some research and luckily we didn't have to stay in the district we lived in. I found a good school district about 30 minutes from home. We did kindergarten roundup and Kolby loved it. During that time they did a test to see where the kids were at.  

Side note: Kindergarten is not coloring and building and playing anymore. It is basically first grade. Some of those kids already knew how to read. Like, crazy really. 

Anyway, the test suggested that Kolby do this like summer program to help him get ready. We signed him up and he loved that. Couldn't wait for the school year to start. That was a great relief. I had so many nerves surrounding this. With the help of his OT we had steps and plans in place to help him thru the transition. 

It helped that he had a VERY awesome teacher who was super helpful and accommodating. We had no "official" plans for additional aid, but his teacher was a huge support system from the beginning. 

The year progressed and Kolby liked school for the most part. He didn't like going in the morning,  (Transitions are hard) but he had no issued during the days for the most part. And he was thriving. Then in November/December he started asking me to homeschool him. Per him, kids were mean and he only really liked school because of his teacher. Of course I told him that he would be fine. 

Then February 2020 came and everything changed. Suddenly I was forced into homeschooling. Or at least what I thought was homeschooling. Actually, at that point it was just trying to get a kindergartener to do virtual learning. Those are not the same thing by any means. 

Kolby graduated from Kindergarten and then we, as parents, had a choice to make. The truth is we believe that Kolby was vaccine injured and that is how he came about his Sensory Issues and what-have-you. When it came to the Covid vax there were too many negatives and too many stories in general of children like Kolby that regressed after getting a vax. Kolby had made REMARKABLE strides in that last year of OT (he went from not being able to really read to a third grade reading level during his kindergarten year-this was also with the help of a speech therapist) and the thought of him possibly regressing literally kept me awake, and crying, at night. 

Being a parent and knowing that the choices you make for your kids, could be the wrong ones, is so stressful. Worrying that I could make a choice that would cause him to regress was nerve wracking. So after lots of thought and talking, we decided on homeschooling. 

Once I made that choice I started googling everything I could to get the most information. I found women on Instagram who homeschooled and I asked questions. I did a whole lot of prep and the first day of first grade rolled around and we did it and we have been doing it ever since. In July, we will start our 6th year of homeschooling!! And if you ask Kolby, he has no intention of going back to public school. I ask him every couple months, and every time he looks at me like I have three heads. 

So much has changed in how I approach schooling now. I have learned a lot about meeting Kolby where he is at and encouraging him to learn about topics he wants to learn about. We have been through MANY curriculums and it took until a few months ago for me to find the right math curriculum for him. Now he likes to do more than one chapter a day sometimes. 

And trust me that is a big deal because math is NOT this kid's favorite subject. 

I have learned that I don't have to know everything before I can introduce it to Kolby. He and I can learn alongside each other. I have learned that reading is a fantastic way to teach things. Not reading from text books but reading from "regular" books. I have learned that multi-sensory approaches work best for my kid, but may not be the best for other children. 

All in all, homeschooling has been a blessing in disguise. I could not imagine not homeschooling. But had it not been for a pandemic, I would have never tried it, because I had convinced myself that it was impossible for me to do, long before I even tried. 

What are things that you have told yourself that you can not do? Have you tried to do them and found out that you could, in fact do them? Were you homeschooled? Do you homeschool? Join in the conversation ion the comments and let me know!!!

Speaking of schooling, I need to get our poetry/ The Raven stuff ready for tomorrow...so until next time: Remember to be kind, smile lots, and dance often!!!