One Year Without Dee-Dee

 A year ago today my grandma started her next journey. 

We had known it was coming; she had been sick for many months. Years really. But it didn't really lessen the blow of the news at all. 

She was my mom's mom. When I was younger I nicknamed her Dee-Dee, and the name stuck. I went thru a period of time as a teenager where I was embarrassed of the name I gave her. However, I outgrew that. I even have her handwriting as a tattoo with her signing it as Dee-Dee. 

She was the only grandmother I had known. My dad grew up in England, and his mom lived there and passed around the time I was 4ish (I believe), so I never met her.  

Dee-Dee, on the other hand, I grew up with lots of interaction with as a younger kid, and then elementary school upward, we would go spend two weeks with my grandparents every summer. I have so many wonderful memories with them. 

My grandpa (whom I nicknamed Pa), passed away 2/25/2012 (Months before my wedding). As an adult I had only been up to visit her once, when Kolby was six-months old. She got to meet Kolby, and then got to see him in person when he was 2ish when my little brother graduated High School. I have a picture of the first time Dee-Dee saw Kolby and the look on both of their faces makes the photo a priceless picture.

I kinda always thought Dee-Dee was living on borrowed time, honestly. My freshman year of college I was told that she had been diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery. Two years later she almost died when the stitches came loose/undone/who knows...and she started bleeding internally. At the time I was in Florida with my boyfriend and had to drive straight through to Indiana and then my dad drove me up to Minnesota. (Dee-Dee lived in Nashwauk, Minnesota...go ahead and google that. It is a tiny town way up North. It is a 14-16 hour drive from Indianapolis to  Nashwauk.) 

During that visit, my brother was young so I spent a lot of time outside of the hospital to entertain him. But I was happy to do so, because facing the reality that she could be dying was not something I could do. Thankfully, she pulled through. 

But, that is what I mean, by living on borrowed time. 

Dee-Dee was 98 when she passed. I believe she had been ready to go for a while. And that belief helps some. I mean, really, the sadness I have isn't for her. I know she is happy and at peace. The sadness is selfish. I am sad for me, my mom, my siblings, our family. I'm sad for Kolby. Although, months before her passing we did a video call and he got to read to her. And one of the last pieces of mail she got, was a valentine that he made for her. 

I have huge issues with death and grief, and I kinda talk about that in my book, but I was terrified of this happening. I didn't think I would know how to navigate it. Especially since 4 months before I held Trouble as he died and we were still healing from that. 

I did have a couple of really rough days, but it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I found comfort in sharing memories, in planning being able to go to the service. Then I started to see cardinals every time I got really sad. I looked it up and it is believed that it could be loved ones coming back. The cardinals would sit outside my window until I was calm and then fly away. 

Grief is a funny thing. You can be okay for so long, and suddenly a smell ignites a memory or out of the blue sadness hits you. I have leaned into feeling the feelings, instead of hiding them or ignoring them, if I am sad I will cry. It is cathartic, but also, if you just cry, it usually passes quicker than trying to deny that your body, heart, and soul wants to cry. 

On this year anniversary, I felt a little bad because I am still riding the high of my book publishing. I always thought I would be massive depressed on this day, so not feeling that way felt wrong. However, I don't think Dee-Dee would care. In fact I can picture the face she used to make when she would hear something absolutely ridiculous, and I can see her saying "why would you think I would want you to sit around and just be sad?" 

One way that I believe in keeping someone's memory alive is by talking about them; sharing their stories. All of them, the good, the bad, the ugly and the hilarious. I talk about her, and Pa all the time. So, she may be gone, but she will NEVER be forgotten.